He’s Always There.
So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve had the time to sit down and write a blog post, but I couldn’t possibly sleep without pouring out my thoughts. It is 2 in the morning, and I really should be REM-cycling. I am exhausted, despite my grande iced coffee from Starbucks (I get it with 3 pumps of white chocolate syrup and almond milk; it’s life-changing, folks). But in these first couple of months of college alone, I have already realized that one cup of coffee does a girl no good, and that I’m just going to have to deal with it and triple my caffeine intake (sorry, Mom!).
What’s keeping me up tonight is not that little bit of coffee, but instead my buzzing brain. I am in a season of feeling lost, to be perfectly real with you. Keep in mind that I’m also a complete drama queen, so by ‘season,’ I mean ‘week and a half.’ You get the picture. When we feel like this for more than a couple of days, it can feel like forever. And let me clarify why it is that I feel this way: I miss God.
Now, I come from an amazing church that I have been so incredibly blessed to have been a part of since I was four years old. I grew up at this church. I have served on various worship teams at this church since I was in middle school, and have grown tremendously because of it. I used to call this church my second home, because it felt like I was always there. And I didn’t mind one bit. When I say I love this church and its people, I mean it with my whole heart. When I say I miss this church and its people, I mean it just as much.
I vividly remember multiple instances of Youth leaders talking about how when students get to college, they leave the church completely. Real life takes over. School, friends, work, stress…all of these factors replace those cathartic Wednesday nights of worship that used to be oh-so-easy to attend in high school. And to be honest, I never worried about my future when they declared this so called “matter-of-fact” statistic. I decided I would be one of the exceptions; the few who would defy commonality, and grow even more with Christ rather than wither.
Boy, was I wrong.
Essays left and right. Test tomorrow, quiz today. Coffee break. Back to the white board. Study, study, study. You want to make President’s List, don’t you? Parking ticket. Another parking ticket. Work. School. Work. School. You can’t give up, so keep studying. You want this job, so keep working. Keep going. You can do better. Stay up until 2 a.m. if you have to. You’ll rest when you graduate. Have some coffee. No, more. No, even more. 3 cups? You’re just getting started. Maybe you should pray. Wait, pray? You don’t even have time to pee, much less pray! Now, figure out your life’s purpose. Quick!
I can’t say that these are the thoughts of every single college student out there, but I’m positive I’m not the only one. College, especially the transitional first year, is tough. Now, I’m not going to dive into the whiny depths of how stressful college is, but I am going to instead make my point.
I let my situation become my obstacle. I got comfortable with telling God, “Not right now”. I stopped making time for Him. And I stopped trying.
I didn’t feel the loss at first, simply because I was on a productivity high. I thrive off of being busy, of having places to be and people to see; so much so that I could never quite find the time to analyze my feelings. There was too much at stake, so many things I absolutely had to get done in order to become a better version of myself, which I wanted fiercely and without apology. So, whenever I felt a pang of guilt creep into my head on the long drive to school, I would merely brush it off and turn up the volume of whatever upbeat Mumford & Sons song was playing in my car. I would deny, deny, deny.
Then it hit me.
Like being slapped awake, I finally realized the unraveling that had taken place in my life. I felt empty and without purpose. Despite my efforts of balancing school and work, as well as trying to come up with ideas and dreams for my future, I began to feel as if those pursuits were pointless. I questioned what it was that was wrong with me, and what I was missing, if anything at all. But I knew the answer all along.
I stopped letting God walk beside me on my journey.
After all of the amazing people, opportunities, and internal gifts He has given me, I abandoned Him the second I felt overwhelmed. I left God at church and told Him I’d be back later, when all along I should have looked to Him even more than before. He is my strength. He makes me feel whole. How could anyone ever give up such a beautiful thing?
I want to share a few verses with you, especially those of you that may be going through a similar situation of a hectic work/school/life schedule.
Matthew 6:33
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
(The keyword here is “first”.)
Colossians 3:23
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for people”
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
Proverbs 16:3
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
He will take our burdens off our shoulders when we can no longer carry the weight. He will guide us if we let Him. He will welcome us when we forget to open our hearts to Him. And I definitely forgot for a while there. But I plan to run, not walk (and I’m no track star, but I’ll be running), back to the place I’ve called my second home. How about you?
