Why I’m Scared.

I remember sitting down to watch the 2016 Oscars. Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for Best Actor for The Revenant, and my social media was overflowing with polls of whether he would finally win an Oscar after all this time. To the delight of all DiCaprio fans, following countless nominations and zero wins (the most baffling concept of all time because What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? had me in tears), 2016 was, at last, the year he won an Academy award.

It was also the night it hit me that I would like to one day win one too.

Far fetched, I know.

The truth is, I have forever had this insane love and appreciation for movies. Sitting in a movie theater always meant more to me than just something to do if I was bored, because being told a story was and is an experience. It’s those two hours in that dark theater while the rest of the world is out being busybodies. It is fully immersing yourself into a plot outside of your own. A good movie pulls you in and makes you forget, even if just for a couple of hours, the chaos that embodies your life. A good movie tugs at your heartstrings with its soundtrack and emotional relativity. A good movie is an escape.

If you’ve ever seen me act or at least attempt to act, you would know that it is not a pretty picture, but rather a slapstick guide of what not to do unless you want tomatoes thrown at you on stage.

But acting isn’t what I want to do.

There are two careers that amaze me more than anything: that of a screenwriter and a music supervisor. Explaining the latter, a music supervisor selects the tracks or instrumentals that can truly make a scene. I actually have an entire playlist on YouTube comprised of scenes from different movies where, not only was the scene itself powerful, but the music made it even more so. A great music supervisor ties the scene together in a beautiful crescendo of a knot, and makes you want to relive that moment over and over again until you get tired of it (much like when you hear an amazing song that you can’t stop listening to). Like I said, it makes watching a movie an experience.

And then there’s the screenwriter.

Screenwriters are in charge of developing the screenplay/script. They sit and create witty one-liners and dramatic monologues in order for the actors to communicate the message to audiences that the director has envisioned. They are the rhyme and reason as to how and why we understand certain characters so well with so much ease. They give depth and meaning to the story, as depth and meaning are delivered by powerful words and actions.

These are the kind of colossal dreams I have. I wish I could tell you that I had a clear-cut path, a list of boxes to check. But I don’t.

And that is why I’m scared.

“Dream big” is something we have all heard, need I say more? As a child, I was never afraid to dream big, like most children. Kids don’t know about the technicalities and costs of making their dreams come true. Lucky them. I wish I still had that same mentality; that fearlessness, that wonderful vulnerability and strong will to work hard because Disney embeds it into my head that dreams do come true.

But I’m terrified of failing.

Pursuing something as incredible as winning an Academy Award for Best Screenplay or Best Motion Picture Score reeks of uncertainty; an idea that I’ve never been comfortable with.

It’s scary to dive into that dark abyss of unsureness, to put all of your effort and passion and energy out there for something that simply isn’t as feasible as other pursuits.

Because of my fear of the unknown, it seems that I have given up on myself. I have put my colossal dream aside-the dream that brings me the most joy- and tried to delve into careers that are more practical. I spent this summer envisioning myself going to PA school or medical school, because I knew that to graduate from either would be an impressive feat; one that I could be proud of, one that I could make a career out of. I tried to be okay with pursuing something that I only partially cared about. And that’s where I went wrong.

So you may have big dreams for yourself. I do, too. We fail to realize that we have already seen people living those dreams. If it were really impossible, that job that you so desire would not even exist. It is a matter of how badly you want it and that will in turn become how hard you are willing to work to make it happen.

We CAN’T be afraid of rejection, dang it. We CAN’T be afraid of failure. And we CANNOT shortchange ourselves and settle, people. We have to stop being so intimidated by the magnitude of what we want.

It is one thing to absorb what I have just said. But the rest is entirely up to you. It is your responsibility to combine the practical with the impractical and chase after what you deem to be your pinnacle of success. Whatever your enormous dream may be, it is attainable if you want it bad enough, and I think you know that. I think we all do. We only get one chance.

And we are not alone.

Isaiah 41:10-13

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

I don’t want to be lost potential.

Do you?