Some Words
To everyone who decided to read this post: I hope you’re having an absolutely magnificent day and life is treating you well! I haven’t posted in a hot minute (or two, or three) what with all the adjusting to my new university and just immersing myself in this journey of being away from home/adulting. Life just got REAL, but I wanted to take some time today to share a few words with you that I recently wrote in the journal I use for bible study, discipleship, etc. Wherever you are in your busy day, I hope these words find you well and resonate with anyone who is going through a season of stagnancy in their relationship with God. They are simply my truth.
It is not impossible to change my ways, although most days I have already given up before the sun has had a chance to rise. This constant defeat makes me realize that I need to stop underestimating you, Jesus. I have been undermining you, thinking my problems are too big for you to fix. I have believed for so long that my soul is in a place beyond repair. A black hole. A cave. Incapable of being fixed. Broken.
But you can do ALL things, God. How did I not see it before? How have I lived in this place where I could underestimate MY God? How could I live a life so content with my sins and disgraceful attitudes because I truly thought my problems were unheard of and therefore incapable of being forgiven? I accepted defeat before even sinking to my knees and praying for mercy. I gave way to the dark comfort of my old habits and I said “no” to you because I knew it would be hard to go all in with you. I told myself that if I couldn’t be a squeaky clean, white-as-snow follower of Christ, then I might as well get used to staying in the dark. I realize now these were the enemy’s lies.
I ask that I am able to believe with all my heart and never forget that you can do all things and therefore, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I ask that all doubts and worldly refutations be removed from the equation. I ask that you make me a new light, God. Yes, I know that I am incapable of reaching perfection. But I will no longer let the truth of my imperfections affect my ability to try and be worthy of you. I need to stop thinking that every mistake I make automatically means that I am completely unable to follow you and live the way you call your people to live.
The hard truth is that I will mess up again today and probably a few more times next week. Whether it’s a bad thought, an act of selfishness, or a quick judgment, the mess-ups are inevitable. I don’t choose to accept this, but I choose to fight for you through my transgressions. I choose to try and be better. And when I mess up, I choose not to hold up my white flag and tell myself I will never be good enough for you and your kingdom. Instead, I will call out for you in reverence and pray for forgiveness. I will pray for the strength to reject my worldly desires. Then, I will get up and keep going.
